I have had a picture of Oprah on my vision board for at least a year if not longer with a quote that reads,” for every major decision I have always listened to my intuition.” I have been reading that and meditating on it asking myself how do I know when I am listening to my intuition? How do I know when to take action and when to be with the feelings and thoughts I may be having in any given moment and let the answers come?
Now, I have been a huge fan of Oprah as many others have been too. And my husband and I have this running joke in our house that if Oprah says it than it’s the truth. He can usually have a sense of humor about it, but there have been times where he gets seriously offended that I may have listened and taken the teachings of Oprah over his own. Fortunately, I have witnessed him sitting and watching Oprah with me in past years and know he is a fan too.
There I was last weekend, getting ready to see her on stage at her “Live the life you want tour.” It took a lot for me to get there and I learned a lot about myself in the process of it. See, I had known about the tour since April around my birthday and was planning (maybe it’s more realistic to say, hoping) to buy tickets. But, as I would have it I waited and I waited, not jumping on the opportunity right away like I could have. Sure, the ticket prices were a stretch financially for me at the time but this was no reason to stop me completely from going. So, what did I do? I waited and waited some more, and got distracted and caught up in daily life, I lost my focus on what I really wanted which was to go see Oprah, and my dream started to fade. I stopped focusing on what I wanted rationalizing that I needed to spend that money on something else for my family; clothes for my boys, bills to pay, eating out, just about anything else besides those tickets. And as I started to convince myself that it was okay if I didn’t see her this time around that was exactly the future I was living into, to Not be in the presence of Oprah. And I didn’t even see that I was doing this to myself.
It took me having a near breakdown about how my life just wasn’t working the week before the event. I found myself, one day, in the shower crying my eyes out, balling, the kind where you feel it coming up from your gut, a grieving type of feeling and then uttering the words,“ I can’t do it anymore, I can’t do it anymore.” At the time, I was referring to my career, and the work and the struggle that I had been personally experiencing for some time. But, I think perhaps looking back at that moment that wasn’t just about my work (it rarely is about one specific thing in our life when we feel discontent) it was about the way I had been choosing to focus on what I want in my life. I had been convincing myself, that in order to live the life I want, I have to work hard, prove myself that I can do it, and not just prove it to myself but to everyone, my parents, my husband, my family, my community, my friends, the city, the state, the dogs next door, literally everyone in the world. Wow! What a huge burden that is to carry around. Who would want to do anything feeling that type of insurmountable self-induced pressure?
The morning of the day Oprah would be on tour in my town, I decided to get on facebook, do a quick work related post, and of course the usual scroll down to see what everyone else is up to in their life and then realizing at least half an hour later, I have forgotten why I am on facebook in the first place. And there it was, a post from a mom friend (we have kids at the same school) who announced, “I just won tickets to see Oprah tonight!” What?! Not only was she going to see Oprah but her tickets were FREE! This got me riled up for a bit and I posted on her page,” Seriously jealous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I put as many of those exclamation points as I could on there without going off the page. Then, I had a scheduled call with a group of friends and I told them I was feeling conflicted about not going to see Oprah and how I had other commitments now that were at the same time and wasn’t sure if I could make it work even if I really wanted to. And, one of my friends said, “the way you do one thing is the way you do everything.” That had me stop in my tracks for a minute, you mean, this craziness of wanting something and feeling like I have to prove myself to get it and then feeling jealous of others who do have what I want, and running around mad in circles, losing faith that I can even have what I want is how I do EVERYTHING?! No wonder, I was balling my eyes out in the shower this past week saying, “I can’t do it anymore.” Who in their right mind would want to do everything like that?
And in that moment, I heard a whisper from within calling me. I was going to see Oprah tonight no matter what. I got off the phone, and contacted the people I needed to reschedule plans with, and got on craigslist (since the show of course was sold out by then.) I called, I texted, I emailed, as many people as I could who said they were selling tickets. I was living into the future of seeing Oprah on that stage and nothing was going to stop me. I was focused, determined, and trusting that I would get that ticket that I was supposed to have a seat, to be in her presence, to be listening, to be inspired, to be connected, to be living my own personal dream! I didn’t have that ticket in my hand before I left my house, and on the drive up I could feel some nervousness and excitement yet every second visualizing myself there. I arrived, and met the ticket seller, and as I exchanged the money for the ticket, I realized everything I desire is at my fingertips always. All I need to do is focus on what I want, and that my intuition will never lead me astray. And in the words of Oprah as she spoke on stage that night, “I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul.”